How to Improve the Quality of Your Writing

Every day people ask me the same question. I’m walking down the street minding my own business when out of nowhere they start shouting at me, “Oi, Matthew!” (They’re usually British) “Oi, Matthew! How do you go about improvin’ the quality of your writin’, mate?”

So, once and for all I shall endeavor to answer that very question right here on the blog. Some of these tips may not work for you or may be somewhat expensive to implement, therefore I in no way guarantee that they will actually improve the quality of your writing.

Having said that, here are four guaranteed ways to improve the quality of your writing.

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ASK READERS TO LOWER THEIR EXPECTATIONS

Now this one this one may seem a bit obvious, and you may be kicking yourself for having not thought of it first. But that’s okay. That’s what I’m here for. Simply tell your readers not to hold such high expectations for your book. Have them set the bar so low that even the most mediocre of novels will wow the socks off them. Easy, cheap, and reliable.

MAIL AN ANGRY BADGER TO ANYONE READING YOUR BOOK

Again, another no-brainer here. Obviously anyone that receives an angry badger in the mail while reading your book is going to see just how much more pleasant your book is by comparison. Angry badger clawing at your face, or a nice relaxing book? Easy decision if you ask me. Just sit back and wait for the good reviews to come rolling in.

angry badger

HIRE BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH TO NARRATE THE AUDIO BOOK

This one is a bit cost prohibitive, but if you have the means like I do, then you’ll see it’s worth every penny (although keep in mind he’s British, so pennies may not work). If you’re familiar with any of Benedict’s work, you’ll know he could read the nutritional information off a can of corn and still make it sound mesmerizing. It doesn’t really matter what your novel is about, with his accent your readers will be swooning and calling you the next Shakespeare.

CHOP THE LAST CHAPTER

Say what? That’s right. Mystery novels are selling like hot cakes these days, probably. What’s the matter, never written a mystery before? Sounds like a lot of work, huh? So much planning. You have to be pretty smart to write a good mystery. Or do you? Here’s an easy way to get started: write the entire book like any other, then delete the last chapter and publish that bad boy. Boom, instant mystery! Your readers will be clawing at your door like an angry badger to get their hands on the next in the series. Of course you won’t be home. You’ll be waiting in line at the bank with fat stacks of cash to deposit.

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There you have it. That really is all there is to it. So simple, and yet authors will continue to overlook these four surefire measures to ensure success. But not us. Not anymore.

Now, race you to the bestseller list!

2 Comments

  1. Jolly super advice old chap! I have lowered all expectations and I’m making preparations for an angry badger – do you ship them to England?
    ps I was that Brit heckling you on the street.

    Reply
  2. Matthew, this is SO funny. Clever, clever you! I am still grinning from ear to ear (well, not quite, my chin would fall off… but you get the picture….) You are a great writer. Or do I mean comic genius? Whatever. Great tips. I’ll be getting out an angry badger subscription soon as they become available.

    Reply

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