Query Revision 2

How exciting is it to witness the evolution of the query letter that’s going to land me the agent who sets my book on the road to the best sellers list?  Ok, maybe a little delusion there, but that’s not a bad thing, right?

Anyway, here’s draft 2:

Dear Agent,

Ten-year-old Jim Pruitt knows only two things about his cousin: he’s trouble, and he’s moving to town.

If Jim had things his way, he’d send George Simpson packing right back to Kentucky.  But his mother has other ideas, urging Jim to get to know his cousin.  It doesn’t take long for Jim to find out that spending time with George and being grounded go hand in hand.

As it turns out, for a timid boy like Jim, that’s not an entirely bad thing.

Before he knows it, Jim is tagging along on all of George’s escapades – camping out all night on Hatchet Hill, tracking make-believe Indians in the woods, and even confronting bully Bill Foster and the Pickett twins to rescue a stray pup.

When Bill Foster steals George’s chain necklace, something George believes will save his soul doomed by a rowdy past, there’s no bully big enough or river wide enough to stand in his way of trying to get it back.  But there’s some things even George can’t get the better of, and jumping into the storm-churned Meramec River to save a drowning pup may prove a fatal decision, changing the lives of friends and bullies forever.

Saving George’s Light is a middle grade story of unexpected friendship, redemption, and forgiveness, similar in style and theme to Because of Winn Dixie and Shiloh.  The manuscript is complete at 54,000 words.  My first novel, Young Arcan and the Garden of Loc, was published by Avari Press in 2007.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Better?  Worse?  The same?  Perfect?  There’s no wrong answer, but there’s definitely one very right answer. 😛


    • Thank you! It feels a lot stronger now. There’s still some tweaks that I think I need to make though 😛

  1. My own query attempts have been unsuccessful, but my immediate thought would be that you should lead into the summary a little more gently. Even if you just have a sentence explaining that you’re about to summarize your book. Otherwise I worry the agent will start reading and be like … why is this person writing me a short story? I don’t even know what he wants! Etc.

    • Thanks for the feedback! 😀 This format for a query is definitely different than what I’ve used in the past, but I’m really liking just diving right into the hook and getting them into the story. Since my previous query attempts for other books have failed, I figured I’d try something new. We’ll see how it works 🙂

      • Hey, fair enough. I apparently can’t write a query letter to save my life, so potentially you shouldn’t be taking my advice anyway. Best of luck 🙂


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